#and how cas repeatedly is associated with the empty

[angelsdean]

congrats to radio static / overlapping frequencies cas 📻🎶🔊

[misha-moose-dean-burger-lover]

for @bend-me-shape-me's spn advent calendar 2020. prompt: carols.

dedicated to @one-more-offbeat-anthem!! happy birthday <3

After Chuck's defeated, and Billie's gone, and the Empty has been bargained with (semantics, any of the Winchesters would say if you asked one of the four to elaborate) into returning Cas in exchange for eternal sleep, there's peace.

After they're done, and really done, there's time.

A moment to breathe, a minute to look at the clouds, and hours stretching endless, days on end, resonating with something resembling quiet.

And then, there's a guitar.

*

"Nope." Dean declares. "Never seen that thing in here before. And I once did Christmas inventory by myself, so I should know."

Sam snickers at Dean's cavalier tone. He'd been content to examine the instrument from a distance, unlike his brother, but that didn't mean he wasn't paying attention. "You had to do it yourself, Dean. Those were the exact words of the bet."

"I was drunk, and you hustled me!"

"You've known I play poker my entire life!"

"Well, yeah." Dean flashes his best shit-eating grin. "But you've sucked, your entire life, so —"

"— sure I have —"

"— your entire life has really just been a very long, very lame hustle!" Dean spreads his arms in a display of triumph. "And ergo, you hustled me into Christmas inventory-ing. The case is rested, your honor."

"That's not how you say —"

"Sam. Dean." Cas interjects, loud and exasperated. Sam shuts up immediately, eyes falling to his lap, while Dean exchanges a sheepish look with Cas (and Jack, who to his credit, seemed to be unaffected by the mini-feud. But that's less the part about him being God-Lite and more about him being himself. A kid who grew up watching his dads bicker endlessly and mostly, uneventfully, and has come to terms with it as a primary aspect of (at least, his) family.)

Cas, as usual, puts up with less of their crap. "Is this really necessary right now?"

Dean loves him for it, except when it's targeted at Dean and since that's kind of a lot, he isn't sure he loves it, or just loves Cas and generalises the things he does under the wider bracket of Cas.

"And if it's not," Cas goes on, using what is probably his I-led-garrisons-in-heaven voice, which automatically sends a shiver up Dean's spine. "Can we agree the guitar is, somehow, a recent addition and leave it at that?"

Sam nods slightly, apologetic. Dean just rolls his eyes, but it's a yes. (Everyone there knows it's a yes.)

"It's not cursed." Jack cuts in brightly. "Or out of the ordinary at all."

"So," Dean blinks. "We just happen to have an awesome new guitar show up, completely randomly, in this top secret Bunker no one know about, minus any ulterior motives or death curses?"

Jack grins. "Yes."

"Cool." Dean says immediately, and Sam huffs an amused laugh. He thinks he sees Cas smile as well, and a smirk grows on his face.

"Dibs."

*

Unsurprisingly, nobody counters his dibs, and Dean ends up taking the guitar to his room.

It's after a few days of insecurity, leading right into embarrassment, leading further to ignoring its existence, and further still to a mostly depressive array of memories — before it circles back to insecurity, and is about to repeat all over again, when he stops himself in his proverbial spiral, and decides to just friggin' do it.

That night, he picks up the pick.

Fiddles with it in his hands for a minute, and proceeds to abandon the idea again, because it does not feel right. Different shape, different weight.

And Dean Winchester's already enough of a misfit for this project, for his guitar pick to be a poor goddamn fit in his hand too.

But there's something about being so close that stirs up motivation in his heart, similar to the first day they found the damn thing, and next morning, he's out looking for a music shop in town.

That night, he finally plays.

It's uncertain — experimental — and he soon realizes why nobody ever says a damn thing about guitars when they say you never forget how to ride a bike.

But then, slowly, and really slowly at that, music seems to return to his fingers.

It isn't smooth by any chance, or even really accurate, but there's a faint tug in his brain that leads him to the next chord, and a twitch in his wrist that tells him when to strum, and he's awful, he's really friggin' awful, but even repeatedly saying so in his head refuses to dampen the overwhelming feeling that lights him up from the inside to start to feel like maybe he can play again. There's hope, and there's terrible, off-timed, broken music, and there's Dean in the middle of it, and maybe he can actually do this.

Recollection of how to play had come to his hands as they trembled, and tried, but the exhilaration of it, and the joy, only come back to his heart once he'd stopped, heart racing, adrenaline high, and unexplainable tears pricking his eyes.

Dean Winchester goes to bed that night, giddy in a way he hasn't been in years.

And outside his bedroom, his family of three exchange confused glances when the playing stopped abruptly, and then smiles when a sound that can only be said to bear semblance to a squeal, follows the silence.

(The first song Dean had played in over twenty five years had been Joy to the World.

It had also been the first song he'd ever learned — Cassie's choice, not his. Sam, Cas and Jack didn't know any of that. To them, it had just been a christmas carol. But there was also something so moving about that, soft in a way each of them knew Dean would fight against being, that they didn't realize they hadn't budged from Dean's door, long until faint snores replaced the quiet, and they left for their own beds, wordlessly already having decided on a plan for the next day.)

*

Cas knocks first on Dean's bedroom door, and all music immediately ceases. There's a yell from inside after ten seconds of a shuffling kind of silence.

"Yeah?"

"May I come in?" Cas asks.

Another pause.

Cas wonders worriedly if Sam and Jack were mistaken when they said that Cas had to be first, that he was their best shot at getting Dean to open up — the easiest past Dean's line of defense.

Then Dean says, a little quieter. "Yeah, sure."

Cas enters, gently closing the door behind himself before his eyes land on Dean — and he fights the urge to smile, because Dean hasn't kept away the guitar or anything. It's still on his lap, not in playing stance, with his arms folded over it — but he's not trying to hide it from Cas.

"Is everything okay?" Dean interrupts his reverie. Cas nods.

Neither of them say anything for a minute.

"Can I listen?"

Cas surprises himself with his own courage to ask — no twisted words or excuses to stay, just a simple question. Things were so rarely simple for them, but this wasn't a common occurrence either so it evened out.

"Y-yeah." Dean mutters.

Cas lights up.

"I suck, by the way." Dean adds, almost immediately. "But I'll suck less with time, I'm hoping. I mean, I'm supposed to, you know, but I — uh, I mean — maybe I —"

Cas realizes that he hadn't stopped smiling at Dean and that's what had made Dean falter, and he looks away, embarrassed.

"I'll just play, I guess." Dean manages smally, sounding as embarrassed as him.

"Please."

Dean clears his throat instead of playing.

"Yeah."

Cas can tell he's nervous. Even if he weren't good at, and very used to reading Dean, he could've gauged as much. And he wishes he had the right words, he really does, but he's aware a sincere speech of how much it means that Dean let him stay, and listen, would have the opposite effect of calming.

Then there's another knock on the door, and Cas relaxes.

"Dean?"

Sure enough, it's Jack.

Sam had explained how Dean was most likely, unfortunately, to deflect if he was there — "his denial fires up, Cas. I associate it with a parenting complex of some kind, and he just won't let go of it." — so the order had been decided as Cas, Jack and Sam. No overwhelming by arriving all three at once, or one after the other as if it were planned. No, they'd enter after some time, giving the previous person time to make Dean comfortable to them before the next enters.

Cas thinks it's a rather brilliant plan, and wonders if he should ask Sam to formulate a similar one to get Dean to open up about other things too. He doesn't, ultimately.

"Yeah?" Dean yells back.

"Have you seen Cas?"

That had been the plan.

"Yeah," Dean raises his voice to answer. "He, uh. He's right here. Come on in."

And Jack does, and eyes Cas with probably too much meaning (he means triumph) for Dean to not have noticed, before turning to the latter. "Oh. Were you about to play for Cas?"

Dean colors at that, his ears reddening almost instantly, and Cas files it away for pondering later.

"Can I be here too?"

And Dean's eyes widen a little — sign of anxiety, maybe understanding — and he licks his lips and then he nods. "I guess. I mean, okay, fine. But didn't you need Cas for something?" He adds, confused.

"I," Jack hesitates. Oh no, Cas thinks. Sam's prepared him for this, but Jack looks like he's about to, as Dean would say, wing it. And all-powerful or not, he knows his son is a terrible liar. "No, I just wanted to know if you'd seen him."

Dean narrows his eyes.

"Now I do know. That, uh, you've seen him." Jack braves on, determined to reach the bottom of the proverbial hole he'd dug for himself apparently. "So now, I don't need to know anything. Now I can stay."

Dean sighs.

"I can, right?"

There's a lightness in Dean's voice instead of tension when he says, "Yeah."

"Thank you." Jack says brightly, and all Cas can do is shake his head when Jack turns to him for feedback, and the both of them proceed to wear (nearly matching, but not on purpose) excited stares as they focus on Dean.

*

The final straw is when there's a third knock on the door, and Sam pokes his head in. One unconvincing "Where's everyone at?" later, he's joined Cas and Jack in staring with a unnecessary (and hopefully unintended) comfort-the-vic's-family smile at Dean.

God, he loves these dumbasses and would give his life for everyone present in the room, but none of them can act for shit.

It's glaringly obvious they've all respectively shown up to listen to him play.

Which is bullshit in itself, because Dean wasn't being modest when he told Cas he sucks — he does suck. But then, he doesn't think any of them would mind. Sam would probably unlock new levels of the puppy eyes if he knew how happy even playing awfully, made Dean. Jack would be blunt, of course, but undeterringly sweet. And Cas? He'd probably smile at him all the way through, just — that smile of his, that always seems to make time freeze and Dean's heart stutter.

So Dean decides magnanimously to not call them out.

Right away, anyway.

Instead, he turns to them with a question. "Any requests?"

(He can't play one of the only songs he remembers having learned without errors yet, so obviously asking for requests is the right way to go. But you see, once you've given up on impressing, it's only fair to see yourself to the end of the chaos.)

"Christmas carols." Jack answers before anyone else.

"It's May."

"Sam's," Jack swallows. Dean should really get on teaching the kid how to lie. "Sam's making me listen to carols."

"In May?" He asks his brother this time.

Sam shrugs, struggling to keep a diplomatic face.

"You're going to grow up to be the young adult who doesn't take off the Christmas lights in January." Dean informs Jack, who absorbs his words with all the seriousness Dean should have expected. "And, fine. We can do carols."

Cas speaks up. "Any carol you'd like, Dean."

"Nah," Dean shakes his head. "Jack requested it. We'll do what he says." And he insists to his conscience that he said so because he wants to make Jack happy, and not because he's well aware the kid isn't being subjected to carols by Sam in friggin' May, and probably doesn't know any.

"Oh." Jack's face falls. He looks at Sam in the most conspicuous way anyone's ever looked at anyone. "I —"

"Uhhuh?"

"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer!" Cas blurts, on behalf of Jack, and there's a two second gap where Sam facepalms and Jack exchanges a conspirational glance with Cas, and then Dean's throwing his head back and laughing.

And soon, Sam's joining in with an exasperated kind of chuckling as if he's gotten stuck in the wrong team but he doesn't regret a thing, and then Cas starts too, mostly from looking at Dean losing his shit (Dean strictly ignores thinking about that part and focuses on imprinting Cas's laugh to memory) and probably also because the ridiculosity of the entire situation probably struck him, and of course Jack's smiling at all of them, and it's, altogether, everything Dean could ever have wished for.

The evening ends with Dean playing Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer (of course) for at least an hour while consistently getting better at the repeating music, and although it's him humming under his breath (like he always has while playing) that starts it off, soon all of them are offering their own awful renditions to the chaos. Cas is off-key, Sam somehow manages to screw up the lyrics, and Jack is as flat as a friggin' plateau.

And it all comes together in a wholly unmelodious kind of awesome — to Dean the same way they say a mother's love comes through for an ugly child.

After Rudolph, it's Silent Night (another song Dean's learned, it hits him, once he's trying to find the right chord) and even Cas manages to look disappointed at the lyrics Sam and he come up with to make up for not knowing the real ones, and since Jack's never heard this one, he simply listens in rapt attention leaving Dean wondering if he probably ended up learning the wrong version on account of all his concentration.

And last of all, it's We Wish You A Merry Christmas, and Dean plays the chorus enough times that he's perfect at it, because for once, no one messes up the beat or the lyrics, and everyone has the most fun.

All in all, it's an evening to remember.

What Dean learns through it all is primarily the lesson that letting your family think they tricked you into having an audience is sometimes an excellent choice to make, and that things can be crap, but still be enjoyed. That doesn't mean he's not going to practice his ass off learning to play at least the choruses of the Led Zepp tracks he gifted Cas (the idea came to him in bed last night, and Cas has always sounded like he enjoyed them, okay?) so he can play them 'for Cas' as the kid so casually put — but then, some things are different from other things, just the way some love's different too.

And while some things are about efforts, and saying the words that scare you, others are about letting go, and singing carols in bright and sunny May.

The only thing Dean's sure about is that just about all of it comes down to being free.

[mittensmorgul]

I've just read through your previous ask about a yellow bathroom from S13 and some older color meta posts, but I'm wondering if you had any thoughts on the use of yellow specifically thus far in S15. You noted, "Which brings us to yellow (and also yellow and blue together, which have always been a warning sign on Supernatural… she says as she’s watching 9.01 and looking at Hael wearing a sulfur-yellow sweater over a dark blue dress. Those are the colors of Heaven and irresistible duty)." Con't..

So far what’s jumped out at me is Amara’s yellow pant suit, the girl tonight (avoiding spoilers bc timezones) wearing a yellow beret and tie-thing, and most glaringly, Dean’s yellow over shirt at the end. We never see him wearing yellow, certainly not that blatantly, or at least not that I remember. (My memory is unreliable) ‘Heaven and irresistible duty’ certainly fit, but I’m wondering if you have any new thoughts or anything else to add.

***

hello! And welcome to the continuation of the chat I initiated with you while trying to work out what exactly to say here. I’m copy/pasting my chat rambling here and then going forward from there…

(editing this, because tumblr borked the formatting when I posted it... thanks for that >.>)

the way Lilith’s clothes were coded in this episode were effectively a trap. SHE was effectively a trap, I mean Chuck had “written her into the episode” specifically to “seduce dean” after all… and she did that… wearing an outfit that ScREAMED Cas, so I want to put together something coherent for you before replying :’D

coinofstone Gotcha. Thank you for teaching out. I don’t generally follow color meta, someone pointed me to some of your #color and temp posts so I dug through a little before sending in the ask - Lilith’s comment about Chuck’s pervy obsession with Dean was a giant klaxon that made me think of Dean’s concerns about Cas too. But it’s also another “Hey remember Amara” moment

mittensmorgul yeah, and it’s a really good point

coinofstone Absolutely. I look forward to reading your post on this, once you’ve had time to digest and get it all written

mittensmorgul you mentioned the “duty to heaven” association with that mustard yellow/tan color, and that seems really relevant since Lilith’s entire presence there was in service to Chuck’s story, even as an unwilling participant in it, while Dean’s wrestling with his entire relationship to Cas, questioning if any of it was even real, since Cas’s mission originated as “Duty to Heaven” in saving him from Hell

mittensmorgul And I think all of this will become textual in 15.09, in Dean’s prayer to Cas…Foreshadowing! But not the kind Chuck’s writing…

mittensmorgul heck, I think I might just copy paste what I wrote to you here, and reply to your messages. I think I’ve worked out what I need to say

(and now that I have permission to post this, we can move on to why this is so interesting)

Lilith lampshaded herself as Chuck’s plot device, effectively. She was reenacting her own previous plot line from 4.18, seducing one of the brothers. Last time it was Sam, this time it was Dean. I’ve already posted something else about this tonight. She actively critiqued Chuck’s writing all along. She saw through Chuck’s story enough– even while she was a basically manufactured element of his story– to be self-aware of her own function within that story, as well as to point at other elements of the story and tell Dean “this is foreshadowing, isn’t it dull and predictable?”

She’s like… the opposite of Becky in 15.04.

Chuck basically BEGGED Becky to give him “notes” on his draft, and Becky had approached it in a fanfic-mindset of good faith, assuming Chuck was basically just writing fanfic as any human would. Lilith is self-aware, and knows the meta-plot. She knows she’s been placed there as a character in Chuck’s story, and she knows all about the story Chuck is trying to tell… and she HATES it.

She says she was given the choice of three vessels, and chose the one who’d apparently “picked the hardest road” for herself. She could’ve chosen one of the other girls, but this is the story that resonated with Lilith. Did she choose this, or did Chuck create her story out of whole cloth as even more foreshadowing, and with heavy references to the past when he’d done exactly the same thing with her? (rewriting her from a child into a “comely dental hygienist” when that suited the narrative he needed to tell?)

But that brings me back to Ashley/Lilith’s weird choice of clothing. Even back in the opening scenes in the tent, her two friends are dressed normally– t-shirts, like one might wear to sleep while camping. But Ashley… had the tie on. Scarf. Neckerchief. Whatever. She looked weirdly like she was trying to be a girl scout just because they’d been on a camping trip, you know? So, weird neckerchief. Which in this case looks both like Cas’s tie, AND Marie’s outfit in 10.05.

And Chuck told her, “not bad.”

Yeah, school uniforms for Marie and friends, but… Ashley/Lilith apparently chose this for herself, right down to the weird little beret.

Marie’s outfit was trimmed in this mustard color, but Lilith’s is just full-on mustard accessories.

Because Lilith was entirely self-aware through this entire episode that she was nothing more than Chuck’s plot device. She had no free will. She said repeatedly that she would’ve tortured and killed Sam and Dean both if she could, but she couldn’t, because she was entirely limited by what Chuck created her for within this episode. HOW FRUSTRATING, RIGHT?!

I guess, hence the perma-fake-tear visual of that wound on her cheek. Which was emphasized in the episode with her actual tears coursing over the cut.

This… was her chain. She could COMPLAIN about her role, she could complain about the stupidity of Chuck’s entire story. She could even laugh about his obvious asinine plot devices and foreshadowing– including her own incongruous appearance at this point in the story. But she was entirely bound by the construct Chuck created for her, and was unable to act outside of his plot.

Duty. Bound. And it’s tied right around her neck like a choker she can’t take off, in the color of duty to Heaven.

AND SHE WAS A DEMON, NOT AN ANGEL.

That doesn’t exempt her at all from being a pawn in Chuck’s narrative.

She even talked about her original purpose, to die for the original story, to free Lucifer, and her frustration that it was all for nothing. There was no grand purpose fulfilled because of her sacrifice. As far as she;s concerned, everything her entire existence was built around had been a lie. And she’s seen Chuck whole story for what it really is as a result of that. And yet here she is, playing another role for Chuck, in his unending narrative where he hopes maybe this time around things will work out to his liking. But it never will.

She also lampshaded the whole Free Will versus Destiny conundrum which we’ve been saying for years was the central theme of Supernatural since… forever. And pushed Dean to reiterate his stand on it– that he wouldn’t give it up, that he’d take all the bad he’d ever endured all over again, as long as he was making his own choices in his life. I’m not even sure that was what Chuck was going for here, or if Dean’s continued assertion of his own belief in free will was what broke Chuck’s hold over Lilith as a “character” here, and allowed her to begin voicing her critique of Chuck’s story, you know? If Dean had given in to her seduction, would she have ever been able to wrench free enough of Chuck’s written story to voice her own opinions of it? I like to think that Dean’s act of rebellion there changed the script, or allowed her to go “off script” enough to fill him in on some of the realities of Chuck’s interference.

But that remains to be seen. As far as Lilith goes, I think she was a construct for this episode… literally an agent of Chuck entirely created for the purposes of this episode as a test just as she was in 4.18. Was this the “real Lilith” brought from the Empty? Or just Chuck doing his thing and creating a story? How much can a writer really lie within the construct of his own disintegrating story?

[beatlejuice64]

Destiel Season 13: A catalog of Supernatural episodes

A catalog of each episode in Supernatural that features scenes related to Destiel. This includes scenes between Dean and Castiel, scenes with other characters that address their relationship with each other, and scenes that allude to Dean’s bisexuality. 

Season 13 Summary Analysis

Dean is destroyed by Castiel’s death at the hands of Lucifer, and he is hard on Jack at first because he believes Jack is partially to blame. Dean has lost hope and given up on life, and not even Sam is able to snap him out of it. When Cas returns, Dean’s attitude takes a 180 degree shift, and he becomes softer with Jack after learning that he’s the one who brought Cas back. Dean, Cas, and Sam become highly protective co-parents to Jack. Dean and Cas establish a much more domestic relationship and are better than ever at communicating and apologizing to each other. 

My interpretation: Dean has trouble adjusting to life without Cas, and he takes it out on Jack because he feels like Jack is the reason Cas pulled away from him in Season 12. When The Empty tries to intimidate Cas into going back to sleep, Cas fights back because he knows that Dean and Sam need him. He is no longer paralyzed by his past mistakes because Dean showed him unconditional love in Season 12. When Cas returns, Dean and Cas are ready to accept their true feelings and commit to each other for real—they have each finally worked past their periods of self-loathing and are ready to accept each other’s affection. Although we never see Dean and Cas explicitly state that they are in a romantic relationship, they repeatedly exhibit loving behavior toward one another and allude to time they have spent together off screen. Dean and Cas are both significantly happier, and even Sam is glad that they’ve finally set aside their self-hatred and baggage to finally be together.

13.01 Lost and Found

Dean cannot bring himself to say out loud that Cas is dead: “Let’s see, Crowley’s dead, Kelly’s dead, Cas is... Mom’s gone, and apparently, the Devil’s kid hit puberty in 30 seconds flat. Oh, and almost killed us.”

Dean prays to God to bring Cas back and punches a wooden sign out of frustration: “Okay, Chuck, or God or whatever, I... I need your help. See, you left us. You LEFT us. You went off, you said the Earth would be fine because it had me and it had Sam, but it’s NOT, and WE’RE not. We’ve lost everything, and now you’re gonna bring him back, k? You’re gonna bring back Cas, you’re gonna bring back Mom, you’re gonna bring ‘em all back. All of them. Even Crowley. ‘Cause after everything that you’ve done, you OWE us, you son of a bitch. So you get your ass down here, and you make this right, right here, and right now!”

Dean can barely look at Castiel’s dead body. He struggles with his emotions while wrapping Cas up with care and preparing the funeral pyre.

13.03 Patience

Dean explains that he associates Jack with the loss of Cas and can’t let it go: “I can hardly look at the kid. ‘Cause when I do, all I see is everybody we’ve lost.” “Mom chose to take that shot at Lucifer. That is not on Jack.” “And what about Cas?” “What ABOUT Cas?” “He manipulated him. He made him promises. Said ‘Paradise on Earth,’ and Cas bought it. And you know what that got him? It got him dead! Now, you might be able to forget about that, but I can’t!

13.04 The Big Empty

When Cas tries to convince The Empty to send him back to Earth, The Empty intimidates him with his fears and failings: “Sam and Dean need me.” “Oh, save it. I have tiptoed through all your little tulips. Your memories, your little feelings, yes. I know what you hate. I know who you love, what you fear. There is nothing for you back there, no.”

Dean admits to Sam that he’s broken: “I need you to keep the faith for both of us. ‘Cause right now I... Right now, I don’t believe in a damn thing.”

13.05 Advanced Thanatology

Sam makes an effort to be extra nice to Dean to try to help him get through his rough patch: “I’m fine.” “No, you’re not, Dean. You said you don’t believe in anything, and that’s not true, that’s not you. You DO believe in things. You believe in people. That’s who you are, that’s what you do. I know you’re in a dark place, and I just wanna help.” “Okay. Look, I’ve been down this road before, and I fought my way back. I will fight my way back again.” “How?” “Same way I always do—bullets, bacon, and booze. A lotta booze.”

Death (aka Billie) recognizes that Dean has lost his zeal for life: “You have changed, and you tell people it’s not a big deal. You tell people you’ll work through it, but you know you won’t, you can’t, and that scares the hell outta you. Or am I wrong?” “What do you want me to say? Doesn’t matter. I don’t matter.” “Don’t you?” “I couldn’t save Mom. I could save Cas. I can’t even save a scared little kid. Sam keeps tryin’ to fix it, but I just keep draggin’ him down. So I’m not gonna beg, okay? If it’s my time, it’s my time.” “You really believe that. You wanna die.”

Dean admits to Sam that he is not okay: “You know, my whole life, I always believed that what we do was important. No matter the cost, no matter who we lost, whether it was Dad, or Bobby, or... And I would take the hit, but I kept on fighting because I believed that we were makin’ the world a better place. And now Mom, and Cas, and I don’t know... I don’t know.” “So now you don’t believe anymore.” “I just need a win. I just need a damn win.”

As Dean learns that Cas is alive, the song “Never Too Late” by Steppenwolf plays, and the camera cuts between Cas and Dean (not Sam): “Your eyes are moist, you scream and shout, as though you were a man possessed. From deep inside comes rushing forth all the anguish you suppressed. Upon your wall hangs your degree, your parents craved so much for you. And though you’re trained to make your mark, you still don’t quite know what to do. It’s never too late to start all over again. To love the people you caused the pain, and help them learn your name. ... You say you've only got one life to live, and when you're dead you're gone. Your family comes to your grave, and with tears in their eyes, they tell you you did something wrong. ‘You left us alone!’ Tell me who's to say after all is done and you're finally gone, you won't be back again. You can find a way to change today, you don't have to wait 'til then. It's never too late to start all over again.”

13.06 Tombstone

Dean gives Cas a big hug when he sees him: “Welcome home, pal.” “How long was I gone?” “Too damn long.”

Dean, who was borderline suicidal in the previous episode, does a complete 180 mood shift and gets excited to go on a hunt in Dodge City: “Alright, well, two salty hunters, one half-angel kid, and dude who just came back from the dead, again. Team Free Will 2.0. Here we go!”

When the gang enters the Wild Bill Suite, Dean nerds out about the historical figures hanging on the walls, and Cas is knowingly resigned to it: “He really likes cowboys.” “Yes. Yes, he does.”

Sam recognizes how happy Dean is: “You’re in a good mood, huh?” “Yeah, and?” “Nothin’. I just, uh... you’ve been havin’ a rough go, so it’s good to see you smile.” “Well, I said I needed a big win. We got Cas back. That’s a pretty damn big win.” “Yeah, fair enough.”

When Jack goes to wake up Dean, Cas tries to stop him, knowing how badly Dean will react to being woken up. Cas later comments on Dean’s sleeping habits: “I told you. He’s an angry sleeper. Like a bear.”

When Cas gets up to leave, Dean lifts his finger and points at his coffee. Cas understands the gesture to mean he should wait until Dean has finished his coffee and sits back down.

Cas reluctantly goes along with Dean’s insistence that he should act like a cowboy, and they reference a movie night that they’ve had at some point in the past: “Alright, listen, these Dodge City cops aren’t likely to trust big city folks, so we’re gonna have to blend.” “Which is why you’re making me wear this absurd hat.” “It’s not that bad. Well, actually, yeah, it kinda is. Hang on. [Dean removes the band from Castiel’s cowboy hat.] Alright, that’s better.” “Is it?” “Yeah. Look, just act like you’re from Tombstone, k?” “The city?” “The movie! With Kurt Russel? I made you watch it.” “Yeah, yeah. Yeah. The one with the guns and tuberculosis. ‘I’m your Huckleberry.’” “Yeah, exactly. It’s good to have you back, Cas. Alright, follow my lead. We’ll fit right in.”

When Jack shows remorse for accidentally killing someone, Dean tries to make him feel better, demonstrating that his view of Jack has shifted: “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I’m just another monster.” “No, you’re not. I thought you were. I did, but, like Sam said, we’ve all done bad. We all have blood on our hands. So if you’re a monster, we’re all monsters.”

13.07 War of the Worlds

Cas says he’s going to ask the angels for help finding Jack, and Dean insists on going with him. Dean reluctantly agrees to let Cas go alone and tells him not to get in into any trouble: “Dean, you can’t accompany me. My contact is already anxious about meeting and won’t speak in the presence of a stranger.” “So introduce me. Then I’m not a stranger. I’ll bring a six pack.” “Dean, I swore I would protect this boy. Let me do this.” “Don’t do anything stupid.”

When Lucifer catches Cas talking to Dean on the phone, Cas tries to play off the conversation as casual by speaking lovingly toward Dean: “Yes, I would like to see you, too. The sooner, the better.”

Sam recognizes that Dean is worried about Cas: “Don’t worry. You did tell him not to do anything stupid.” “Right. When’s the last time that’s worked?”

13.08 The Scorpion and the Frog

Sam recognizes that Dean believes in himself and his purpose again: “We’ll figure somethin’ else out. And if that doesn’t work, then we’ll move on to the next, and then whatever’s after that. We just keep working, ‘cause that’s what we do.” “It feels really good to hear you talk like that again.” “I’ll drink to that.”

13.11 Various & Sundry Villains

When Dean shows up saying he’s in love and “full on twitter-pated”, Sam is amused and surprised that Dean would express emotion like that so openly, until he realizes Dean is under a spell.

13.13 Devil’s Bargain

When Dean scolds Cas for talking with Lucifer, Cas defends himself: “Cas, I specifically told you not to do anything stupid.” “Well, he was weak, and given the context of our imminent annihilation, it didn’t seem stupid.“

Dean apologizes to Cas for not realizing that Asmodeus was posing as him while he was captured, and Cas forgives him immediately: “Cas, I’m sorry. All that time you were with Asmodeus, I... We should’ve known it wasn’t you.” “Well he’s a shape-shifter. Besides, I was the one who got myself captured.” “Yeah, but if Sam and I knew, you know, we would’ve...” “Yeah, I know, I know. You would’ve tried another long shot. I’m fine, Dean.”

Dean expresses concern for Castiel’s well-being, and Cas expresses concern for the safety of their shared family: “I’m fine, Dean.” “You sure about that?” “Right now, all that matters is getting Jack and your mother out of that place, okay? Look, I promised Kelly that I would protect her son. I intend to keep that promise.”

Cas understands Dean’s colloquialism: “We’re boned.” “Epically.”

When the boys encounter Ketch, Cas looks over at Dean and instinctively knows that Dean wants him to put Ketch to sleep.

Cas loathes Ketch on Dean’s behalf, agreeing with Dean’s plan to kill him: “I say we take dick bag here back to the bunker, find out what he knows and put a bullet in him, burn his bones, and flush the ashes.” “I like that plan.”

While the boys are talking about whether they can trust Ketch, Cas rolls his eyes at Dean’s predictable penchant for violence.

13.14 Good Intentions

Dean volunteers to accompany Cas to go fight Gog and Magog.

Dean shows concern for Castiel’s emotional well-being and considers his wants and needs. Cas is open about his worries for the future, and Dean shows him support: “How’re you holdin’ up, Cas?” “I’m fine.” “No, I just mean with, you know, everything you’ve been through, and I know you really wanna find Lucifer.” “No, it’s not that. It’s about... Well, it is that, but it’s also, I... Dean, I was dead.” “Temporarily.” “And I have to believe that I was brought back for a reason.” “You were, k? Jack brought you back because we needed you back.” “Right. And how have I repaid him? I promised his mother that I would protect him, but now he’s trapped in that place while Lucifer is here, who’s... he’s getting stronger and more powerful by the day. And if Michael really is coming, maybe I was brought back to help prepare.” “Prepare for what?” “War. War, is what Michael does.” “Well, then we do what we do, whatever it takes.”

Dean rolls his eyes at Castiel’s predictable seriousness: “Well, Enochian’s kinda tough. Maybe you got a word wrong.” “I don’t get words wrong.” *eyeroll*

After Donatello tries to hurt Dean by casting a spell on him, Cas gets angry and disregards Donatello’s safety, forcefully extracting the information they need from his mind: “I’m sorry, but I’m not going to let you or anyone hurt the people I love, not again.”

Dean is angry at Cas for making Donatello braindead, but Cas convinces him it was necessary due to their dire circumstances.

13.16 ScoobyNatural

Dean is antagonistic toward Fred for most of the episode, but it seems to be based in jealously, and perhaps a certain level of attraction: “Hey, why do you hate Fred so much?” “He thinks he’s so cool, with his perfect hair, his can-do attitude, that stupid ascot.”

Dean starts out pursuing Daphne, but her disinterest toward him and commitment to Fred help Dean see Fred’s value. Dean develops more respect for Fred as the episode progresses, and he even seems to develop a particular fondness for Fred himself, emulating his style by wearing an ascot.

When Cas asks Dean what happened with the Cartwright twins, he evades the question.

13.18 Bring ‘Em Back Alive

Cas is upset that Sam let Dean go to Apocalypse World on his own: “Dean is in Apocalypse World alone?” “No, he’s with Ketch, so he’s not alone.” “Because that makes it so much better.” “Cas, he wanted to go solo.” “And you let him?” “I... He didn’t give me much of a choice. Anyways, Dean’s right. As long as he’s over there and we’re here, we need to be taking care of Gabriel, getting him right again.”

Dean makes a joke to Ketch about his own sexuality: “You don’t look good.” “Yeah, well, you’re not my type, either.”

When Dean gets upset about losing Gabriel, Cas tries to calm him down and make him feel better: “Dean, we will find Gabriel. We will.” “We better.”

13.19 Funeralla

When Rowena flirts with Cas, Dean is visibly annoyed and Cas is awkward about it.

Dean asks Cas if he wants a beer. Cas says no, but Dean gets one for him anyway.

Cas makes a sports reference and Dean is impressed. Then Cas makes it awkward and Dean resists the urge to tell a dirty joke: “This would be something of a Hail Mary.” “Hmm!” “It’s a sports term, like slam dunk or, uh... ball handler.” “That’s uh... mnh-mnh.”

Dean and Cas talk through a disagreement without being accusatory or disrespectful: “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” “Well, Dean, we don’t have any good ideas.” “Okay, let’s just not barrel through with that like, uh, you know, like the Donatello thing.” “We had our disagreement, but we got results.” “That didn’t make it okay.” “I hear your concerns. And yes, the angels, they loathe me, and there’s going to be dangers, but heaven doesn’t want the world to end any more than we do. This is something that I have to try.”

Dean reluctantly supports Castiel’s idea after realizing how important it is to him: “Cas, you wanna try this angel thing, then go for it. Just don’t get dead again.”

13.21 Beat the Devil

When the gang goes through the portal, Gabriel stumbles and ends up with his face in Castiel’s crotch, which makes Dean visibly uncomfortable.

When Sam is mortally wounded and taken by vampires, Cas protectively stops Dean from going after him.

13.23 Let the Good Times Roll

Cas tries to stop Dean from letting Michael possess him: “Dean, you can’t.” “Lucifer has Sam. He has Jack. Cas, I don’t have a choice!”

Cas is visibly grief-stricken at losing Dean to Michael.

[mojo562j]

My Living Nightmare Caused by Liver Disease

My nightmare started overnight, sometime in the spring of 2013. After 4 straight days of binge drinking, I woke up and immediately noticed my stomach was swollen as an 8-month pregnant woman. I lifted my bed sheets and saw a mixture of blood and pus running down my thighs.

I immediately rushed to the restroom to clean up the mess. Then, I urinated. The color was rusty looking- a mixture of orange and dark brown. I looked in the mirror and noticed that the whites of my eyes and the color of my skin was yellow.

I panicked. I knew I had a major medical problem.

I immediately rushed to the ER. The nurse drew blood, then the technicians performed an MRI and an ultrasound. About an hour later, the doctor sat beside me and regretfully informed me that I had liver cirrhosis. I quickly said, “please doctor, tell me that I can still drink?” He replied “yes, but you won’t live longer than three months” I went into shock. I couldn’t imagine my life without alcohol. Next, he inserted a thin plastic tube into my abdomen and drained about 9 liters of fluid.

Liver cirrhosis is a relentless, nasty, barbaric painful disease with no mercy whatsoever! Compared to others with this disease, my case was more severe. When I arrived home from the ER, I had a massive sharp pain running down my lower back and upper thigh, similar to a sciatic nerve, except the pain was much more intense.

The decades of alcohol and drug abuse suddenly caught up with me.

The doctor that diagnosed me with liver cirrhosis told me that he strongly recommended that I take the next flight back to the US. He informed me that the Philippines is a developing country and doesn’t have medical technology as advanced as the US. He said if I stayed there, I’ll probably die.

So, I bought a ticket for the next flight to the US, then walked to the nearest bar. It was July 18th, 2013, my birthday. It would be the last time I ever drank. I sat alone. I needed to mourn. I was devoid of any emotion. I remember gazing at the people in the bar. Most of them were smiling and laughing. However, for some strange reason, I couldn’t hear them-they were on mute.

I knew this was going to be my last drink ever. I suddenly felt like I lost my closest loved one. I relived the first time I took a sip of beer, at the tender age of five-Budweiser in a can. I remembered all the times I got arrested as a teen (13 times), for alcohol related offenses. I  reminisced getting hooked on heavy drugs because of alcohol. I recalled my head getting bashed in the middle of the street by five Blood gang members from South-Central L.A. because of alcohol. I remember attempting suicide because of alcohol. I recalled the countless problems associated with alcohol. And now I am dying because of alcohol. It was at this moment, that I realized I hit rock bottom. The game was over.

So, I stared at the empty beer bottle. I had to say good-bye to something that I desperately clung onto for the past 35 years. I love the taste of alcohol. Until this day, I crave alcohol. I would much rather lock myself in my room and drink a 12 pack then go on a world cruise. You see, alcohol was my best friend, a substitute for a girlfriend, a father whom I’ve always wanted and most important, an escape from reality.

I am 53 years old, single and no kids.  

I knew once I stopped drinking, I would feel like I was on national television, naked for the world to see. I would be exposed. There would be nowhere to hide. Nowhere to run. How would I adjust to living sober? What would I do every day?  

When I returned to the US, my condition worsened. For the next three years, I suffered the following:  nausea, vomiting, flu-like symptoms, anemia, insomnia, swollen feet, ankles and calves, Hepatitis C, type 2 diabetes, kidney failure, several infections, two hernias, gallstones, whole body itching, permanent loss of body hair, except scalp and facial hair, a constant metallic taste in my mouth, jaundice, sluggishness, bruises on my arms and legs, craters in my cheek bones and neck, nerve pain in my feet, excruciating abdominal pain, severe weight loss (went from 210 lbs. to 136 lbs.), swollen belly, diarrhea, anxiety, paranoia, massive hallucinations so intense that I fell into three comas, partial brain damage, muscle atrophy, severe leg cramps, extreme fatigue, shortness of breath, and sharp “stabbing-like” pains all over my body. I never imagined a dreadful disease with so many symptoms and so much pain!

Imagine having all of these symptoms for three years straight. Imagine having only one of these symptoms, such as the flu for 3 years straight. After a few months, I could no longer stand the pain. I wanted out. While in the hospital, three times I asked the doctors to put me under, permanently. They stared at me for a few seconds, turned around and walked away. There was nothing the doctors nor anyone else could do. If a liver is more than 75% damaged, it’s irreversible and irreparable. A liver transplant was my only option.

I recall never feeling warm. I was anemic. Even in the summer, I would wear a tee shirt, a long-sleeved shirt, 2 sweaters, and a jacket. No matter how many clothes I wore, I would still feel like my bones were in the freezer. The chill was relentless and wouldn’t go away.

There were many instances when I didn’t know my name, who I was, where I was, or what year it was. Every time I blacked out, the EMT always asked me what year it was and who is the current president of the US. I usually replied something like “1948. Bill Clinton.”

In late 2013, I had the scare of my life. My muscles were so weak, I couldn’t get out of bed for four days. I had no water during that time. I screamed for help, but to no avail. At the time, I was living alone in the Philippines. My parents hadn’t heard from me. They were worried and called the local Red Cross chapter in Long Beach, CA. A gentleman named Mike contacted the Manila, Philippine branch for assistance.

Suddenly, I heard my front door open. A doctor, nurse, a Red Cross volunteer and my landlord appeared at my bedside. I was briefly examined, then rushed to the ER. The doctor informed me that a human can go without water for about 6 days max. If it wasn’t for the Red Cross’s quick response in coordinating my rescue, I may not be alive today!

 During my two-year waiting period for a new liver, the doctors refused to give me morphine. They gave me two reasons why: one, my liver was so scarred, they were afraid I may die since opiates damage the liver. Two, I was an addict. No need for further explanation. I was prescribed only small doses of Tylenol, which did nothing to alleviate my pain.

In December 2013, my kidneys started to fail. I was on dialysis to clean my blood 3x a week for about 18 months. I couldn’t urinate for about 15 months straight. My kidneys failed to extract urine from my body. All the fluids I drank remained in my abdomen. This condition is known as ascites.

Every 5–6 days my stomach would start to balloon. As a result, my abdominal organs would suffocate from the weight of the fluid. I suffered a constant shortness of breath. I would keep my mouth wide open, gasping for air until my jaws ached. I felt like a fish out of water. Worse, I would experience massive abdominal pain. It felt like an elephant stepped on my stomach and wouldn’t get off.

My most painful experience was after my liver and kidney transplant. My surgery took about 17 hours. I ended up with massive amounts of blood clots settling at the tip of my penis. The nurses had to remove them. Every 2 hours around the clock, for the next 14 days they used a motorized pump with a plastic tube the diameter of a drinking straw, shoved it inside my penis and sucked out the blood clots. The pain was excruciating and barbaric.

You have no idea how sensitive the inside of a penis is. Extracting the blood clots felt like ripping off a finger nail and repeatedly stabbing the top of the skin with a sharp knife!

When I was in the hospital, prior to my transplant, my step- father collapsed right in front of the nursing station from a heart attack. I think it was from all the stress. What better place to have a heart attack?

I felt so helpless. My mother is old and there are just the three of us. Shortly after I was diagnosed with cirrhosis, my step-father quit his job and didn’t work for four years, so he could help my mother take care of me. I was a handful. It took around the clock supervision to take care of me. I would constantly scream in the middle of the night from either scorching pain or hallucinations. Since my mother is old, my father didn’t want her to be my sole caregiver.

The scariest events were the hallucinations. These were worse than nightmares. Unlike a nightmare, you’re awake during a hallucination. In your mind, it is real- it doesn’t just feel real.

I suffered what is known as hepatic encephalopathy. This condition occurs when the liver loses its capacity to eliminate toxins from the bloodstream. As a result, massive amounts of toxins flowed through my brain. This causes mass confusion and ultimately hallucinations. At higher toxicity levels, coma and even death may occur.

The feeling is very similar to a bad PCP trip. Every time my toxin level would skyrocket, I had a horrendously bad trip. One older ER doctor told my mother he never seen a patient with such high levels of ammonia. He said that normal ammonia levels are 15–45. My level was 503!

Once when I was at the hospital, I thought the walls were infested with snakes. I could hear the constant hissing sound. I knew I had to get rid of them. I didn’t want them to swarm me. So, I grabbed my walker and strolled down to the cafeteria. Next, I went to the kitchen, grabbed a butcher knife and began cutting out the hospital walls! Pieces of drywall were everywhere. People were staring at me as though I had lost my mind! Security rushed me, tackled me and I ended up in restraints- one of 17 times during a three-year period.

Another time, I believed my sitting nurse was an alien trying to kidnap me and take me to another planet. This guy was intimidating. He was about 6′3′’, 270 lbs. I saw a syringe filled with what I believed to be poison in his left hand. I could hear the drops of liquid splattering on the tile floor as he glared at me.

My “captive” had an identical twin brother standing about 5 feet to his left. His twin was also holding a poison-filled syringe. They somehow managed to communicate to each other not through words, but via thoughts! I was horrified. They both had a stern look on their face. They constantly glanced at each other, then glared back at me. I sensed they were discussing which one was going to put me under. It was so bizarre.

I screamed and kicked so violently, security and staff had to restrain me. Without fail, the next day I awoke, strapped down with a rubber ball in my mouth, not knowing what the hell happened.

There was, however, one comedic event while hallucinating. At home, I was in the restroom for a very long time. When I came out, my mother asked me who the heck I was talking to. I paused, then replied “Calvin.” She said “Calvin who?” I replied “Calvin Klein.”

When I was on the toilet, I was staring at my underwear, which were down to my ankles. The name Calvin Klein was embroidered at the top. Apparently, I thought my underwear was the famous designer in the flesh! So, I’m sitting there, having a one-way conversation with my underwear! Don’t ask me what “we” discussed. I have no idea.

Another time, I believed several of my male nurses were posing as DEA agents. They were trying to arrest me. The DEA suspected me of assisting the Columbians with developing strategic drug smuggling routes to the US. The nurses wouldn’t stop staring at me. So, I waited until one of them wasn’t looking, and snuck up behind him. I stripped off my hospital gown, wrapped it around his neck and proceeded to choke him. Someone called security. When they arrived, I threatened them that I would choke the “agent” to death if they approached me.

I felt like an absolute madman. I recall that my eyes widened, and my facial expression looked like Charles Manson when he was pissed off. I remember possessing this enormous amount of strength. I had no idea where it came from. I threw the nurse to the floor like a ragdoll. For some odd reason I remember being extremely angry and paranoid. My toxin levels were through the roof.

Security kept their distance. I recall the presence of doctors, nurses and hospital staff in the background. The doctors were calm, but a couple of the nurses were hysterical. Security was ranting on their walkie talkies. About 5–6 minutes later, a handful of cops stormed through the hospital doors and surrounded me with their weapons pointed at me.

I kept hearing a doctor telling the police not to shoot-that I was hallucinating. A few minutes later, a nurse that took care of me and whom I was closest to started talking to me in a very calm manner. She kept telling me to relax, that everything was going to be ok. She kept telling me that I was under an enormous amount of stress and that I’m just having a bad day.

She kept asking me to slowly loosen my grip and relax. She then told me that my doctors will take care of me-that everything will be ok. At first, I thought she was part of the conspiracy. I was suspicious. However, I kept recalling how she always cared for me. I recalled the numerous times when she went beyond her duties as a nurse and was always there for me in my time of duress. She felt like a second mother.

About 20 minutes later my hallucination started to wear off. Since I trusted my nurse, I loosened my grip on the nurse that I had a stranglehold on. Next, the cops told the nurse to slowly stand and walk away. After that, the police started barking instructions at me. They told me to drop to my knees with my back facing them. Next, they told me to keep my arms raised high in the air. I complied. After that, they slowly approached me and told me to put my hands behind my back. Then, they proceeded to handcuff me.

A nurse arrived with a gurney. A couple of nurses lifted me on the gurney. The police immediately handcuffed both my wrists to the side bars. They wheeled me to the ER. A moment later a nurse injected me with a sedative. I immediately felt very relaxed and drowsy. Once again, I woke up the next day strapped to my bed wondering what the hell happened.

My ammonia levels were so high that I fell into a coma three times. The longest period was 23 days. About the 20th day, my doctors advised my parents to “get things in order.” They didn’t think I would make it. They feared my toxin levels were so high that if I awoke from the coma, I would be a vegetable. So, the hospital called hospice and they spoke with my parents about my living arrangements for my final days.

My mother fumed and told both hospice and my doctors that no matter what, she was not giving up. A while back, I told my mother if I was ever in a situation where I couldn’t make a life or death decision on my own, I didn’t want the doctors to pull the plug-no matter how much pain I was in.

When I awoke from my 23-day coma, I had no idea where I was. I felt as though I was a million miles from earth. Everything was extremely peaceful. I asked my sitting nurse where I was. He informed me I was in the hospital. I had no idea what a hospital was.

After I awoke, I was immediately bumped up the transplant list from #247 to #2. My failed kidneys were a blessing in disguise. My doctor told me that since both organs were failing, I had a much higher chance of dying. As a result, I was moved up the list very fast.

A couple weeks later, I was elevated to #1 on the transplant list. My nurse informed me that any day I should be expecting new organs. Cool. I asked her “how are the organs  delivered?” She told me via helicopter. She said there’s a landing pad on the top of the hospital. I recall I would get excited every time I heard a loud noise outside.

Approximately 10 days later, my nurse rushed in my room and cheerfully informed me that the organs are on their way. She told me the doctor will call me soon to discuss the details. I found it odd that a physician would call me on the phone.

About 20 minutes later, the doctor called. He told me that he was at blah blah prison. He said a 41-year-old male just committed suicide by hanging himself in his cell. He informed me the prisoner was an organ donor. The doctor told me that the prison officials gave he and a couple of other physicians with him only 15 minutes to visually inspect the organs. The doctor told me the organs appeared to be fine. He asked me if I wanted them. Since I was very confused at the time, I replied “what would you do if you were in my shoes?” He paused and said, “I would take them.” So, I did.

Later, the doctors told me they had a difficult time deciding whom shall receive the organs. It was between me and the patient next door. They informed me they select the beneficiary that has the greatest probability of surviving the operation. I was told I had about a 50% chance of surviving the surgery. That was higher than the other patient. My doctor said the other patient was weaker than me, hence the reason they chose me.

Prior to my transplant, the strangest thing happened. Thoughts continuously flooded my mind, at least 500 times during a two-year period. They kept telling me to share my story at AA, NA and high schools. Never in my life had I experienced recurring thoughts with no apparent ending. What am I supposed to make of this?

I spent hundreds of hours thinking about this and the only conclusion I could make is that God put these thoughts in my head. What other logical reason could it be? So, I made a covenant with God. I begged Him if He let me live, I would spend the rest of my life helping other addicts get clean.

On August 5, 2015, at 11:00 am, I had a liver and kidney transplant. I must admit, aside from the hallucinations, it was the scariest event I’ve ever endured. I never felt so alone in my life. I never forgot what I was up against: heads I survive, tails I die. My destiny was completely out of my hands. At this point, there was nothing my family, the priest or the doctors could say or do to guarantee me that I would survive.

Well, the surgery was a success. It took 17 hours. I had no complications, except massive chronic back pain that shoots through my body whenever I move.

After the transplant, I often wondered how I lived. Why did I get so lucky? Was God looking over me all this time? Was it His plan? What did I ever do for Him to deserve this? For some strange reason, I feel that I am destined to live. Maybe He’s telling me that it’s just not my time to go. I don’t know. Even three years later, tears stream down my face for no apparent reason. Like now. I’m not quite sure if they are tears of happiness, sadness or the trauma I suffered. Perhaps, it’s a mixture of all three.

On July 18, 2018, I accomplished something I never ever imagined- I celebrated five years of sobriety from alcohol. It’s been an incredibly difficult journey. The old Joe always succumbed to temptation. But I’m not the same person anymore. I’ll be damned if I’ll go through another living nightmare again.

I’ve been in bed for the past eight years. It’s so frustrating because there is nothing I could do about it. My inactivity has caused my muscle atrophy to return. My legs are like jelly again. Also, my lower back scorches with pain whenever I move. As a result, I have to sleep sitting up. The pain is so severe, I’m in bed an average of  23 and a half hours a day. The only time I get out of bed is to visit the doctor. I tried walking a few times, but my knees buckled, and I fell each time.

I’ve seen three doctors so far. They did x-rays, MRI’s, and CAT scans but can’t find the source of my back pain. My insurance company won’t allow me to see a back-pain specialist or get physical therapy because I already seen three physicians. With your  help, I plan to see a specialist and get physical therapy soon. Also, not only will I be able to walk again, but you’ll indirectly save other drug addicts’ lives. I know by sharing my story with addicts and high school kids, some of them will be able to realize the extreme psychological and physical trauma that alcohol and drug can cause and turn their lives around.

I always wondered what’s the purpose of life. I spent many years trying to figure it out. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I know what mine is.

My Living Nightmare with Liver Disease. Liver cirrhosis is a relentless, barbaric, non-stop, excruciating painful disease with no mercy whatsoever! Witness the real horror as it unfolds prior to my liver and kidney transplant. Please help me walk again by donating now-even if it’s only $5, it would help me tremendously! www.gofundme.com/dreaming-to-walk-again  

Please share my story with friends and family so that I may walk again. Thank you so much!

[tinkdw]

My sisters been sending your (amazingly) written metas, but I'm still confused as to what "Performance!Dean" is. Could you explain? ❤❤❤❤❤❤

Hi! Thank you!

Performing!Dean is a tag that many of us use to explain the way that Dean portrays himself to the outside world, suppressing parts of himself that he doesn’t think should be outwardly shown.

It’s a form of SUBLIMATION (a psychological term meaning to repress emotions / a part of oneself), a term which he actually uses in 12x05.

It’s a great example. The writers KNOW that we associate Dean’s love of pie with women / being comfortable / the home and family feeling, and cake with the repressed side of him (it is repeatedly used in this context, Dean really wanting it but never allowing himself to have it or just nibbling at the edges). It’s quite a famously known concept.

So… when Sam asks Dean if he wants pie and Dean says no, which basically never happens, when Sam then looks so DONE and starts talking about how Mary is gone and… (the implication being he is about to mention Cas being gone too)… then Dean says nope nope I am FINE and Sam FINALLY calls Dean out on it, saying “Dean, it’s called SUBLIMATION”.

And Dean finally relents and says “Yeah, its kinda my thing”. (And then later in the diner he is seen to have eaten a whole slice of cake in front of Sam and no-one makes a big deal out of it….)

WE ALL SCREAMED. DEAN ACTUALLY IN THE SCRIPT, OUT LOUD, HAS SAID THAT HE SUBLIMATES.

Because THIS is Dabb again taking what has been IN THE SCRIPT and in the show for 12 years and building on it, making it BLATANT. Because we are building to endgame now, SPN isn’t likely to last past season 13-14, so the character arcs that were set up in season 1 (and 4 for Cas) need to be tied up, so we, the audience NEED it to be made obvious when it has just been in the subtext. THAT IS WHY SO MUCH IS SO BLATANT THIS SEASON. Ie Performing!Dean, Destiel, Sam and the MoL story, Mary being the catalyst for Dean’s self acceptance arc and Sam’s self forgiveness arc around Lucifer (which I think will be much more blatant next season re: Jack as his mirror).

With Performing!Dean it started to be made a bit more obvious since Sam told Dean that he was ‘kind of butch’ and people probably thought he was ‘overcompensating’ in season 2 but it still stayed subtext, Dean checking out a few guys here and there, only really getting with women when he was having his ‘I’m going to go to Hell and need comfort’ or ‘Sam is dead, Cas left’ moments or since he met Cas, whenever Cas had left, making Dean feel crappy and rejected or had just DIED, using it as a coping mechanism, even blatantly role playing in season 9 after he feels so bad about kicking Cas out of the bunker etc to the point that in 12x18 it is so blatant that this is what it is about, they even have Dean saying outloud that he is settling for Sam’s omelette mere seconds after clearly having settled for the waitress because she wasn’t what he really wanted on top of all the other give aways…

Anyway, it’s not just about his sexuality or feelings for Cas, there are many other aspects too, and those are the ones that are cemented in seasons 1-3. Most of these seem all to stem from John and if you see snippets from John’s journal it makes sense.

John says he is proud of Dean when he kills monsters, womanises, drinks etc etc. So guess what a young impressionable Dean learned was the best way to act in life?

Now, over the years bits have come out here and there. Every time we see Dean with a sexual partner he has been the submissive one, he is clearly an extremely giving lover and very caring. He is not a dude bro womaniser at heart, he cares for all the women he sleeps with enough to be kind and gentle with them, even the waitress in 12x18 who really he doesn’t REALLY CARE about, she’s just a coping mechanism, but he is still extremely sweet with her.

He drinks for years of course, he is a functioning alcoholic for most of the show, but lately he has switched to coffee… unless something really bad is going down. Like when we saw the empty bottle in his room in 12x19…

He listens to old rock music because it reminds him of his mom and dad, not because he is a real metal head. Yeah absolutely he loves it too I’m sure, but really it’s the emotional pull. And we haven’t heard him do so since 12x07. Just saying. He also admits to liking Taylor Swift in season 10, after firstly saying HELL NO, same with the cucumber water in 12x07. It’s not the music or the water or whatever as such, that is absolutely NOT what we are saying is making us feel Dean is bisexual or has a hidden side to himself, its the fact that he HIDES it first then admits to it afterwards, that is the essence of Performing!Dean.

When Sam drinks the cucumber water, no-one batted an eyelid, that means nothing to us, because Sam is super comfortable with who he is in THIS respect, even though he carries guilt etc, but that is another subject. But because Dean made a huge deal about how uncool and basically unmanly it was, after all we know of him over the years, THEN went and drank it anyway, saying “shut up” when Sam is like “seriously?!” THAT is where the Performing!Dean meta comes from. And Sam is the same as us, he doesn’t care if Dean is bi, or if he likes Taylor Swift or cucumber water or WHATEVER, what he DOES care about is the fact that Dean feels the need to hide it from him.

There are so many small points along the series that point to a lot of Dean’s persona being fake or exaggerated and how sometimes Sam knows and sometimes he doesn’t, it would be funny if it wasn’t tragic.

Deep down Dean Winchester is a soft, kind and generous soul who just wants to be loved and to help people.

WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT WE SAW IN 12x11. THIS IS THE EXPOSITION EPISODE FOR PERFORMING!DEAN AND THE CORE OF THIS WHOLE SEASON BECAUSE THE WHOLE SEASON HAS BEEN ABOUT THIS, WHICH IS WHY 12x22 IS THE CHARACTER LED FINALE, BECAUSE IT IS WHERE THIS FINALLY COMES DOWN.

So yeah, the fact of the matter is that Performing!Dean has been there all along, since the PILOT, over the years it has been showed to us that it exists then some of the walls have started coming down. If anyone dares to tell me that Performing!Dean isn’t a thing (which I was told earlier this season, lmao) then I will kindly point them towards 12x11 and 12x22.

Also, let us not forget that even though 12x11 was mostly an exposition for Performing!Dean when he lost his memories, again harking back to the HEART is the person, NOT their memories theme of the season, we also were given the golden snippet that DEAN RODE LARRY BEFORE HE GOT WACKED WITH MAGIC. This is to show us that Dean’s walls are coming down this season. When Sam called him up on it in a way that seemed to be taking the piss, Dean, rather than attempt to deny or tell him to shut up actually embraced it and gloated about how GOOD he was at it. ATTA BOY DEAN!

With the resurrection of Mary and Dean’s near - complete death experience it seems that Dean got to the point in season 12 where he just didn’t want to hide from himself anymore and so let these walls down further, there were small snippets of this in nearly EVERY episode. 

12x11 was the exposition for casual viewers to see this side of him more clearly (in the same way that 12x19 was for Dean and Cas’s clearly more than platonic relationship, which will not be built on with HUGE LEGO BRICKS since Cas died), and now with the grenade launcher as a metaphor, Dean literally blew down his walls in 12x22. The culmination of this story was his confrontation with Mary where he explains WHY he always had this facade, because he had a shitty childhood, had to be a parent to Sam and that it wasn’t FAIR and he didn’t cope with it well at all.

So. There we have it. Performing!Dean is REAL, it was there ALL ALONG, we were RIGHT in seeing it because it is confirmed in 12x11 and then addressed and to some extent dismantled in 12x22, and the meta idea that the grenade launcher is associated with Performing!Dean was ALSO used.

Just… wowzers.

I don’t expect Dean to suddenly act completely differently now, he won’t, there are just some aspects of him that will be slightly more obvious or he won’t hide certain parts of himself. He still isn’t completely done with this, as Jensen himself said that there will be more of this to come in season 13…

I expect him to perhaps once or twice order a slice of cake or an ice cream sundae, to listen to the radio and not turn it over if a pop song comes on, to be more open with his feelings towards his family (and yeah, Destiel is a part of this for sure), a nice turn around but also not jarring, because it’s just a PART of Dean, not his whole self, a lot of what we see is really fully him, so it’s not that he is going to completely radically change!

Anyway, its all very exciting as the metaphorical death of Performing!Dean is just a part of what most of us see as a positive endgame for TFW and it is all looking pretty good so far :D

[mittensmorgul]

9.06, Heaven Can't Wait.

YAY! BOBO!

so I neglected to mention Buddy Boyle and Bartholomew the fallen angel, and all the angel factions forming in the 9.03 report because I was trying to get through it as fast as possible, but ugh... guess I gotta mention them eventually. There, I mentioned them, just about as much as this episode did. :P

But this is directly relevant to Cas's current state of mind, which is relevant to the overall plot of this episode, because of Rit Zien angel and why he's come to this town where Cas has tried to make a life for himself as Sales Associate Steve. The Rit Zien seeks out pain-- originally mortal wounds on battlefields-- and either heals or else "humanely puts down" angels he cannot heal. Except, as Cas will explain in this episode, he doesn't understand human emotions, and that emotional pain is temporary... and then we learn that the Rit Zien was drawn to this town by the magnitude of Cas's suffering specifically. Which, if that's not a statement on Cas's current emotional state, I don't know what is.

The first victim we see is a man who literally hangs up on a suicide prevention hotline because he lost his wife. He even has a gun, but changes his mind when faced with the Rit Zien, but he gets exploded into pink goo anyway.

The next is a high school girl suffering a normal level of teenage angst, telling a friend she could just die of embarrassment because her boyfriend broke up with her in the cafeteria in front of everyone but in no way meaning it literally, and poof... pain disintegrated.

Despite his own pain having been kicked out of the bunker and feeling completely abandoned by Dean, Cas still calls Dean to alert him to the strange cases in town, but tells Dean he won't participate in the hunt. Dean manages to track Cas down working at the Gas N Sip anyway (Cas never told him where he worked), and pulls Cas into working the case with him.

There's the whole Nora thing, which Cas thought was a date but was actually a babysitting job... When the Rit Zien shows up for Cas, he thinks it's for the baby, running a fever and crying. But he's actually there for Cas.

CASTIEL: How'd you find me? EPHRAIM: Because you're warded? The same way I find all my patients – I just followed the sound of your pain. You have no idea how loud it is. I could hear you for miles.

And then the question we've been waiting on an answer for ever since:

EPHRAIM: Shh-shh-shhh. It'll be over soon. I'll take the pain away. CASTIEL: I want to live. EPHRAIM: But as what, Castiel? As an angel? or a man?

Because back in s9, this question remains directly tied to PAIN. To SUFFERING.

CASTIEL (to the baby): Nobody told you. Nobody explained. You're just … shoved out kicking and screaming into this human life, without any idea why any of it feels the way it feels, or why this confusion, which feels like it's … a hair's breadth (The baby stops crying.) from terror or pain. You know, just when you think you do understand, it'll turn out you're wrong. You didn't understand anything at all. Guess that's just how it is when you're new at this.

He thought he understood, and he's only just beginning to truly understand (and I mean, Crowley as almost-human this season too, despite having been human originally long ago, still suffers with the burden of human emotions, equating what demons and angels are capable of feeling even way back here, long before 10.03 when Cas will make that same comparison).

Cas is feeling the guilt of what's happened to the angels, and he's already hurting over it. So when Sam and Kevin discover (with Crowley's help) that the angel fall spell is irreversible, Dean doesn't tell Cas that fact thinking he's protecting Cas from even worse guilt. But meanwhile, it's still a major source of Cas's pain (and Dean's pain, because hell if he doesn't want to bring Cas back to the bunker here, but can't as long as Sam isn't healed enough...)

EVERYBODY'S SUFFERING! Lies all around. Dean specifically tells Sam that he won't be seeing Cas on this hunt, and yet he spends the entire time pretty much with Cas. But also Dean, lying to everyone, trying to manage his mounting lies in the name of protecting (or in the language of 14.08, "not wanting to burden them") or just out of pure FEAR because this situation is officially so far above his pay grade and he can't even talk to ANYONE about how bad it actually is without the whole thing crumbling down around him... and that's not even considering the Fallen Angels Fighting Amongst Themselves situation on top of all his personal shit...

Which interestingly is paralleled in the experiences of young Dean in the flashbacks in the next episode...

spn 9.07, Bad Boys.

Dean's put in a situation way above his pay grade, having been left to "rot" by John after getting in trouble for shoplifting enough for him and Sam to eat while John was off somewhere else on a hunt and Dean had been left in charge again. John had demanded that Dean tell Sam a very different story, one that not only covered Dean's "shame" at having been caught shoplifting and abandoned by John for several months while Sam was "shipped off to Bobby's" (and remember, Sam would've been about 11 years old at the time, ie old enough to have understood the truth of the situation, but maybe not why John refused to get Dean from Sonny's, that to John this was a form of punishment for Dean-- both isolation from everything he's ever known AND forced separation from Sam, like John was punishing him for failing to take care of Sam by isolating him completely...), but also was about John hiding his OWN culpability in any of this happening in the first place. Child abandonment, neglect, the fact he regularly left the boys on their own and disappeared for weeks or months at a time leaving them to fend for themselves on whatever meager sum he left them. Which, I mean, YIIIIIKES.

And this episode was really the start of my "sanitized for sammy" and "the story became the story" tags, of how fundamental to their codependency these small lies have always been, since they were children (and yeah, we saw that going all the way back to s1, with 1.18, 3.08, 4.13... pretty much all the flashback episodes, but this is where Dean gave that calculated deception a name-- "the story became the story.")

We really see the extent of Dean's lifelong struggle with managing all these secrets begins to break down, which exactly parallels his "bigger story arc" issues in early s9. With all that in mind, it's no wonder he breaks and feels his ultimate failure connected with the collapse of the tower of lies that all started with the best of intentions, and just spiraled out of his control. All in the name of protecting his loved ones.

Kinda like Dean trying to keep John's horrific final words from Sam back in s2 (even though that only lasted a few episodes), kinda like Sam hiding the truth back in s4, kinda like Cas hiding the truth in s6. So now they all will have this fun little problem in common (less dumb, less ass...)

But more interesting to me than the actual circumstances of this episode specifically, is how these lies begin to slowly unravel throughout the episode, and how the truth finally coming out affects everything going forward.

First Sam begins to learn the truth about that time, but it's still not really the whole truth. Dean plays it off as his own fault, shrugging the experience off. Sam also can't figure out why Dean's not only kept in touch with Sonny all these years, but also actually told him the truth about the hunting. The deeper truth slowly comes out in bits and pieces. And then there's Robin, who Dean never told the truth to in the past who learns it all in a shocking way... seeing it first-hand.

This had been Dean's one real "escape to normalcy" of the sort that Sam had spent most of his life running away toward (and which Dean's being forced by circumstance now to push Cas toward... let's not forget that the original airing order of these episodes put 9.06 AFTER this episode... which is why I've smooshed the two of these into one way-too-long post). And let's remember that it was only Dean's need to make sure Sam was safe that got him to leave Sonny's and return to John. He talked about his interest in fixing cars in this episode, and he could've had that life if he'd chosen to stay, because Sonny agreed to fight for him if he wanted that.

But even by the end of the episode, Sam only knows part of the truth, and Dean's still trying to protect himself with that tiny shard of a lie:

Sam: You just got lucky? Kind of like you did with this place. I mean, here I was thinking this was the worst part of your life, and it turns out it was the best. Why'd you ever leave? Dean: Never felt right. Sam: Really? Dean: It was two months, Sam, okay? And I couldn't wait to get out of here. I don't know what to tell you. It wasn't me.

And he can't bring himself to burden Sam with the truth, that it was literally Sam himself and his duty to protect him that made him choose to leave.

Then there's Timmy, losing his mother in a fire, Dean thinking it's the "I Clobber Evil" action figure that the mother's ghost is tied to, when in fact it was Timmy himself. Because it's not exactly that Dean sees himself in Timmy-- repeatedly running away from foster homes, clinging to "imaginary friends" -- It's SAM. He talks to Timmy like we have to imagine 16-year-old Dean would've talked to SAM. And doesn't that just say it all here.

And using this “decoder ring” of a couple episodes to help us unravel what happens when these dudes try to protect each other, to “not burden each other” with these sorts of secrets, things almost universally go sideways. Because this is, yes, what Cas was thinking in hiding his deal with the Empty to trade himself for Jack, but it’s also the sort of smaller concerns from each other regarding Jack’s behavior after 14.14. Each of them were worried for Jack, each of them had noticed small things in Jack, but NONE of them wanted to admit the truth to themselves, let alone to each other. Each of them held their tongues, not wanting to worry each other over Jack, or unfairly burden each other for nothing when all they really have are their individual suspicions and no actual concrete evidence that Jack’s soul is actually gone, you know? But the consequences of trying to protect each other are far more grave in s14...

[mittensmorgul]

More sheep and goats

I’ve been threatening to write long meta on 13.02, but there’s so much visual symbolism to parse out and it is so early in the season, so while there’s a barrage of imagery to sift through, it’s still a bit early to know what sort of weight to attribute to them, but a few of these things are also carryovers from s12. As such, Instead of writing that long meta, I’m gonna use this post as a pinboard of sorts and make some notes for future consideration.

(all screencaps from HotN)

We’ve already seen some hints (from bts and promo photos) that there’s a sort of cowboy/wild west theme running through at least a few of early season episodes, and that’s already become apparent between Dean’s Chuck Wagon Donuts and coffee, and the sign for the hotel:

Black Hat, with a side of glowing spur (which also resembles all the starburst lights Jerry Wanek is so enamored with). Even without knowing there’s an attached bar called the Black Spur yet, we’re already being subtly reminded of 10.01 and Dean’s “howling at the moon” with Crowley at another bar/motel called the Black Spur here. From 10.01, Black Spur and attendant blonde waitress/bartender that Dean had a relationship with (in a room with ugly yellow diamond-patterned lights in our prison imagery recap, while spending most of his time getting blazingly drunk and singing terrible karaoke and avoiding any sort of responsibility at all, since he was a demon and all that... but point being that Dean was with Anne Marie because she was there, and the alcohol was there, so he slept with her and drank and did whatever he wanted because he could):

And then the current Black Spur Bar, with attendant blonde waitress/bartender (who unbeknownst to Dean had been murdered and replaced by a yellow-eyed demon, but who Dean was as honest as he could be with, because he didn’t have any reason to lie. He also turned down her offer for another drink. Just because the alcohol was there and the waitress was there, didn’t mean he would just take them like he had in the past... a lot of this scene was a complete subversion of his Summer of Love...)

We even have a similar shot of her in profile as they have similar conversations from opposite ends of the line... One about abusive relationships, and the other about failing to live up to the expectations of an absent/abusive father.

Which brings me to the sign behind waitress!Asmodeus here:

While Dean had come to the bar to get a little reprieve from the horror of the last three days, he had ONE (1) drink, and not diving head first into a bottle, while looking through something on his phone in a rather contemplative and quiet fashion. It made me wonder if the place had reminded him of Crowley (and possibly their flickr albums), but also of Cas (who he’s been shown repeatedly to be in hardcore grieving mode over, and maybe scrolling through all the texting and emoticons Cas exchanged with him over the last few years). Whatever he’d been doing, it was clear he was looking for a little quiet space to collect his thoughts.

He’s interrupted by Asmodeus, who was fishing for information by doing what any bartender in an otherwise empty bar would do-- strike up a conversation with the only patron in the bar. I’ve read some pretty far-fetched theories that Dean should’ve been on his guard and suspicious of the woman, and that he was dumb for being so open and honest with her, and that it’s a definite sign that Dean is In A Bad Place™ and dangerously off the rails... and no? Just because he had a “bad feeling” about stopping at the motel/bar to begin with? (which they only apparently did because, as Sam said, Dean had been hallucinating sheep on the road... which actually reminded me of Cas’s dilemma over falling asleep in 9.03 when it was suggested that he count sheep, resulting in his perplexed wondering about what sheep...)

I’ve seen it suggested that the fact he didn’t immediately notice the waitress was actually Asmodeus was a sign that his “spidey senses” had failed, as a direct result of his current nihilistic mood. Even though it isn’t even until the following morning that they have any reason to suspect demonic involvement at all. They’d warded their rooms against angels, so Dean didn’t fear angels would be able to get to them for the time being. As far as Dean knows, he’s covered his bases.

Proof that his spidey senses (and self-preservation instinct) are still in full effect is his fight with the demon in his room the next morning. Even with his back turned, he knows there’s something behind him and he reacts appropriately. While talking with what he had no reason to believe was anything other than a human woman just trying to make polite conversation, he simply tried to do the same in return.

Asmodeus (walking around collecting empty beer bottles): Get you another? Dean (sitting at the bar with an undrunk shot of whiskey at his elbow, focused on his phone): Yeah, sure. Asmodeus: What the hell, you’re not driving, right? J.. I seen ya at the hotel. Passing through with, what? Your buddies? Dean (from a different angle, where the yellow and blue glowing Kingdom beer sign is now literally perched on his shoulder): Ah, that’s my brother, and... some messed up kid. Asmodeus: Aw, kid’s messed up? Dean: Yeah, issues with his dad. Asmodeus: The older fella? Dean: No, that’s uh, Donatello... uh, he’s a... guy we work with. Asmodeus: I hated my old man. I ran away myself. See, my mom would never stick up for me, but... (sighs) you know kids. No matter what, they still want the old man’s approval. Well, that’s how it was for me...  Dean: Yeah, That’s... that’s how it was with me, too. Asmodeus: I’m talking your ear off. I’ll-- I’ll grab you that drink. Dean: You know what? I’m good. Uh, I’m gonna take a walk. (he finally drinks his original drink and leaves)

NOTHING HE SAID IN THIS CONVERSATION WAS DANGEROUS OR LED TO ASMODEUS TAKING JACK. Nothing he said here was particularly secret info, and he obscured the actual truth of who the people he was with really were. He didn’t go announcing the kid’s father was Lucifer or that Donatello was a soulless former prophet of Chuck... I mean, this woman was trying to be nice to Dean, he was just trying to be left alone for a few minutes and still engaged in polite conversation that she essentially pushed on him, and excused himself after a reasonably polite amount of time. Notice through the entire conversation he continues looking down at his phone, signalling that he’s not really interested in conversation, yet the woman persists. If she’s noticing things happening at the motel enough to have noticed Dean’s associates, then he literally does need to give her some sort of reasonable story lest she get suspicious of him... That’s literally part of how Sam and Dean have always tried to blend into the background and not get noticed.

He was actually laying down what seemed like a reasonable cover story along the lines of reasonable cover stories they’ve always used in the past when locals got a bit overly-friendly or nosy about their business.

I did, however, find it interesting that after the establishing shot of the bar, the next shot we get is a wide shot in which the Fast Jack Ale sign is visible again, but is almost immediately obscured by this post beside Dean:

It’s on screen so quickly that there isn’t even a cap of it on HotN., but you can see it glowing a little bit from behind that post... I find it an interesting justaposition for an earlier shot, where Dean, Sam, and Jack first enter the hotel room. I’ve also seen a gif of this going around saying that Jack was the only one “in the light” in this shot:

Which is true in one sense, because you can barely see Sam in the shadows at the right, while Dean’s lit with red prison bar imagery... but at least he’s standing NEXT to a lamp. The source of light making Jack so bright isn’t visible to us, but the brightest light source in the room (that we can see, illuminating the bright blue wall over Jack’s shoulder in that first cap), Jack walks right to the center of the room and physically blots that light out with his body.

Considering the Fast Jack Ale light gets the same treatment by a big wooden post Dean’s leaning against in the bar scene, I find it interesting enough to point out here.

Okay, back to the shot of Dean in the bar, huddled around his phone... while the Fast Jack sign’s obscured behind him and all we see is the purple-to-pink glow above him (hello bi flag lighting). Thing is, as soon as Dean’s attention is drawn away from his phone, he’s reframed not against the bisexual colors, but with something protective hovering above his shoulder-- the Kingdom Beer sign most commonly associated with Cas.

Who said Cas wasn’t there to be the angel on Dean’s shoulder? Because that’s exactly what this shot’s implying throughout his entire conversation with Waitressmodeus. Short aside here to reiterate the comment I made last week about Jack walking around in the altogether looking for his “Father.” People thought I was joking when I suggested he hadn’t been talking to the pirate, but to the parrot on the pirate’s shoulder. I really wasn’t joking. For now, I’m taking this shot ^^ as proof that Jack was talking to the parrot.

It’s just like the shorts thing... Just because Cas said once, years ago, that he’s not there to perch on anyone’s shoulder... it’s kinda been his whole shtick for the last 10 years so...

Back to the point of this post... (sorry, as per usual, there will probably be more tangents I’ll run down... it’s because I have no other choice...)

Aside from the Kingdom, the obscured Fast Jack, and the 3 Sheeps, the only other glowing signs in this place are these:

The red and yellow Tom’s Tequila sign featured prominently in 11.21 (with very long meta attached here and here and here), but again it’s the red and yellow warning colors in this shot to counteract the blue and yellow heaven-coded Schultz sign (i.e. DEAAAAATH by duty). Note there’s no El Sol going on here, because Dean has no idea that the waitress isn’t anyone other than she appears to be. But the Tequila sign is sort of pointing to a bait-and-switch...

There’s also one of those infamous “caged halo” lights we so often associate with Cas on the ceiling behind Dean in this shot, but notice it’s switched off right now...

Also in the very near foreground of this shot, it’s hard to make out but it looks like two glowing beer taps, the handles of which are pink and blue. Just saying...

And again detouring back around to the original reason I starting putting all these images together... 

The 3 Sheeps meta from 12.16 and 12.18. 

We wrote a lot about different bible verses having to do with sheep and goats, including the passages from Luke where Jesus tells the parable of the prodigal son, which is the third version of the sheep/goats parable that he relates.

Sheep are mentioned several times in the Song of Solomon, as well. Throughout the bible people have been compared to sheep, flocks, etc. with the Lord as our shepherd. There’s no shortage of possible metaphorical comparisons to sheep imagery in the bible. But since we were specifically shown the Song of Solomon in this episode, I think that’s likely the source of comparison relevant to this particular episode.

But we also know that Jack himself is serving as a mirror for all three members of TFW. The Rule Of Three is applying in all sorts of different contexts through this one sign. :)

So there you go. I probably should’ve titled this Mittens Rambles On Pointlessly While Gesturing Wildly At Seemingly Random Stuff But I Swear All Of It ///Means Something///. None of this currently Means Anything yet, though. I’m just beginning to pin random stuff to my cork board. I haven’t even got out the red twine yet. I just wanted all of this potentially future relevant stuff in one place for ease of future pointing and screaming and red twine connect-the-dots. :P